”The next time you catch yourself getting brought down by your expectations, shift things in a different direction. Instead of getting your knickers in a twist about how things didn’t turn out the way you wanted or expected them to, simply accept them for what they are. In that moment you are now freed up to deal with them.”― Gary John Bishop, Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life
For the last week or so things have been harder again. I am still not physically well or as well as I think I should be. I am not staying on task with even the small things I have laid out for myself. I expected I would be able to manage at least that. I still have not gotten back to the gym to join up. But top on the list there has been some major disappointments in my life which involve other people, some big and some small but all of them add up to my reflecting back to this quote.
Honestly, I was laid out by what my expectations were and the fact that once again they were not met. I don’t know why. They are, for the most part, recurring patterns. Patterns in which I am repeatedly setting myself up for disappointment. I need to remember in all things that expectations are the groundwork for disappointment and resentment. In some cases, I have tried specifically laying out my expectations and asking for what I need and still the result is the same.* Now I just need to come to the realization that I either live with resentment and disappointment or just realize I am not the priority in these situations and try to let go of the expectations. Nothing will make what I want or need materialize, so I need to figure out how to shift things away from having others meet those wants and needs to only expecting things that I can fulfill on my own.
*Asking for people to meet my needs is incredibly difficult for me. But that is a post all in and of itself.
This may be the fundamental problem with caring a lot about what others think: It can put you on the established path—the my-isn’t-that-impressive path—and keep you there for a long time. Maybe it stops you from swerving, from ever even considering a swerve, because what you risk losing in terms of other people’s high regard can feel too costly.
Becoming – Michelle Obama
It’s a detox of such staggering proportions that sometimes it can feel like The Universe is conspiring against us—trees fall on our cars, our computers crash, we find our significant others in bed with our best friends, we get our identities stolen, we get the flu, our roofs cave in, we sit in gum—when in reality, The Big Snooze is creating chaos in an attempt to self-sabotage and keep everything as is, instead of moving forward into unknown, yet desperately wanted, new territory.You Are A BadAss: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
I had just listened to this chapter yesterday morning when I went to the Rec Center where I work to finally join. I had my paperwork all in hand. I was employed full time now. My doctor had filled out the forms for my getting a discount rate (without the pressure of the last gym membership). I had a day where I felt like I had my shit together. I was finally feeling a tiny bit better and I might recover from the cold I have been battling. I checked stuff off my to-do list including getting The Girl registered for some private swim lessons.
We got all of the work done to have the cost deducted from my paychecks when Bam! “That will be $XX.00.” “Wait you are taking it out of my pay, no?” “Yes but you have to pay the first month.”
Let me tell you there is nothing I hate more than surprises, better known as “who fucked with my PLAN?!” I did not budget that in. I get paid Friday and I can take care of it then but when you are just starting and you do not have a huge reserve/foundation yet it is these things that can knock you for a loop. It is these things that make you just want to say Fuck it all and go buy Dairy Queen and McDonald’s and eat all the way home.
I did not do that. I was slytherin angry polite, which might be a variation on Southern angry polite but I can’t speak to that since I am usually New York angry which has no polite to it at all, told them I would be back and went back to my office and reread the chapter on how The Big Snooze and the “Source Energy”* would fuck with everything when you try to make changes.
Big Moral here: I am still too sick to really use the gym. I have no firm lessons scheduled for The Girl so I don’t need to be a member. Friday is soon enough. I tripped over the crack in the sidewalk and was basically angry someone saw. But it is not the end of the world. Perspective: Get some, WVRed.
*I will totally come back to the hokey “Source Energy” thing later because I have been rolling around with conscious intention which focuses magic work and if sub- or unconscious intention can also have an impact. And I personally think that might be a better fit.
Week one down. I have been fairly kind to myself. I got very sick on my way up to Pittsburgh for a memorial service for my favorite older generation in-law. That really influenced my choice of the one small thing to focus on this week. I decided since I was so ill I would focus on something which did not require physical exertion but on getting back to low carb eating.
I know in my head that carbs make me feel awful. They make my body hurt, they trigger immunity responses like worsening allergies, edema, joint pain and more. But for some reason, ok for many reasons, I still continue to eat them. Does it matter if it is because I think I do not deserve to be well? Or if I think that only well people have the self-control to stop themselves and eat them proves that I am not that? Or is it just that those are the foods that for many years gave me comfort when I had little other sources of comfort? Or honestly does it just not matter? I eat things that are bad for me and I don’t just do it occasionally, I do/did it all the time with increasing frequency over the past few years. And if I am going to even begin to feel better at all I needed to make this one of the first things that I tackled. Being ill made the decision for me.
I did not jump back into tracking and monitoring and all of the things which I super fail at and make me rush back into my poor eating habits and ALL THE COMFORT CARBS. I just made simple choices based on carb counts. Will I get there? I think so after I have mastered this small thing. But for now I will just continue to eat mindfully and with an eye to no sugar, no grains, no dairy (except cream), and very limited fruit.
I have continued to ruminate about how I am going to proceed for week two. I am not thinking bigger than that for now. I think it is a matter of small steps which in the end lead to big change. I am getting my medication schedule back under control which I think is super important. I am thinking next week I would like to try and add something physical, maybe some easy walking since my lungs are currently coming up in large-ish chunks. I would be resting comfortably in a sanatorium by the sea “recovering” from consumption if this was the Edwardian Era in England. And The Girl will want to be back to working out which will be motivating.
Additionally, my book club is making noises about meeting to discuss Michelle Obama’s Becoming so I will be adding some reading into my schedule.
Small steps of getting back to a place of just being OK is the goal. So Week One was just mindful eating. Week Two will just be continuing with that and maybe adding in some mindful bodywork.